Who can perform Shraddha and Tarpan

The traditional order

Classical texts name the male descendants first. The usual order given in popular summaries of Garuda Purana and Dharmashastra teaching is the son, then the grandson (son's son), then the great-grandson. If there is no son in the male line, texts and priests give the order with some differences. A common list runs: the wife, the daughter, the daughter's son, the brother, the brother's son, other male kin of the father's line, and then more distant relatives. The lists do not agree on where the wife and the daughter come. The elder son has the first duty in many families, and the rite is often done by all the sons together or in turn, depending on the family.

Traditions vary. Follow your family's custom or your priest's guidance.

Sons and grandsons

Sons perform the death rites and the annual Shraddha for their parents. If the eldest son is unable, a younger son may do it. In some families brothers take turns or share the cost. A grandson through a son may perform for a grandfather when the father has passed away.

Daughters and wives

Many people today ask whether a woman can perform Shraddha. The honest answer is that views differ:

• Some traditional sources reserve the Shraddha and Pind Daan for men, and women help with cooking and arrangements.
• Other sources, and many modern priests, say a wife or daughter may perform when there is no male heir or the son cannot. A widely cited example is Sita, who in popular tradition offered pindas for King Dasharatha at Gaya when Rama and Lakshmana were away.
• In practice, in the USA and in India, many families where there are only daughters, or where daughters live closer, have daughters perform Tarpan and Shraddha. Many priests are willing to guide them.
• A daughter may also ask her husband or her son to perform on her behalf. Some families do both.

If you are a woman and unsure, speak to your priest and your family elders. Your sincere offering of water and food is respected in most communities. The sacred thread is not used by women. They simply follow the direction and hand positions.

Adopted sons

An adopted son (legally and ritually adopted) traditionally stands in the position of a son for his adoptive parents' rites. He also continues his duty to his birth parents in many families, but customs differ. Ask a priest if there is a doubt.

Relatives when there is no direct heir

When no direct descendant is able, the rite can be performed by the nearest kin: a brother, nephew, cousin, son-in-law, a daughter's son (dauhitra), or other relatives from the father's or mother's side. In some traditions the daughter's son may perform for his maternal grandfather. A priest can also perform the rite for a person who has no one to do so, on the family's behalf.

Orphaned and childless ancestors

Those who died without children are traditionally remembered by brothers, nephews or other relatives, and also by the whole family together on Sarva Pitru Amavasya. Many families name "all those who have no one to offer for them" at the end of the Tarpan. This practice is widely accepted and is a lovely way to remember those who might otherwise be forgotten.

Friends, teachers and others

Tradition focuses on blood relatives and gurus, but there is no objection to offering water in remembrance of a friend, teacher, colleague or neighbour whom you wish to honour. A simple Tarpan with their name is usual. For a formal Shraddha for non-relatives, a priest may advise on the form, and some families include them in the general line.

What if the death date is not known

• Use Sarva Pitru Amavasya, the last day of Pitru Paksha. This is the usual answer when the date is not known, or when it is not clear whether the person died on a particular tithi.
• Some families also use the ordinary Amavasya of any month. Ask your priest.
• If you know the English date of death but not the Hindu tithi, a priest or a Panchang for the place of death can calculate the tithi. You can also ask about the month and paksha from relatives.
• If the person went missing and is presumed dead, a priest will advise on the proper date. This is a sensitive matter.

Mourning periods (Sutak or Ashauch)

After a death in the family, a period of ritual impurity called Ashauch or Sutak is observed. Its length varies by community and by closeness to the person. Ten to thirteen days is common, and some communities observe a longer period. During it, family members usually avoid festivals, temple rites and the rites for other ancestors. The cremation or burial is followed by the thirteenth-day rites that conclude the mourning, and the person is then included among the ancestors in the ritual called Sapindikarana. The first year has its own monthly and annual rites, led by a priest.

A birth in the family also brings a period of Sutak in many traditions. If one of these periods overlaps a Shraddha day, priests usually advise postponing the rite or doing it in a simple way. Follow your priest.

If your father or mother is living

The Shraddha is for the departed. You cannot perform it for a parent who is alive. If your father is alive, some families hold that he performs the rites for his own ancestors, and the son only supports him. Other families ask the son to perform Tarpan for the mother's line or for departed relatives. Customs differ, so ask your priest.